Top 7 Struggles and Regrets I Have as Someone Who Appreciates Film

[This post was written before Election Day. This won’t be a political post, but it was written with a lot of negative feelings given the insanity that is 2020]

Looks like it’s time to make another serious Top 7 list even though I’ve made ones that deal with more dire topics before. I really struggled to come up with a decent Top 7 list idea for November given all the craziness going on in the world (especially here in America, and that’s all I’ll say about it) as well as dealing with my own personal stuff during the time I wrote it. I’m certainly appreciative of those who read my thoughts about various obscure movies, documentaries, and anime. Of course, I’d be lying if I said everything was alright with me even before this COVID-infested year.

I enjoy talking about cinema and animation. It’s been an interest of mine for several years now. The thing is I never talked about it openly with a lot of people until not long before I made Iridium Eye. Then again, I’ve been bullied for my interests in and out of that field (okay, it was mainly anime during my high school years). This may be a bit more of a depressing Top 7 for me since I’m willing to be vulnerable on here and my other blogs when it’s time. I didn’t deserve to be such a loser in everything I do.

Here are 7 struggles and regrets when it comes to this interest and hobby.

7: Not reviewing movies, anime, and documentaries earlier

I’ve had some experience blogging in the past, but that was very short-lived. I didn’t review cinema when I tried on the internet in the past. Sure, I’ve written reviews before for other subjects for homework (the first time would be for a magazine project when I was in 8th grade) and for test posts online. Of course, I used to read reviews almost religiously from THEM Anime, and I got into watching review videos online like the stuff from Channel Awesome and Reviewtopia a long time ago. It never occurred to me to blog about these subjects since I was focused on my jobs as well as my other interests at the time. That’s a shame since I was learning about film production and history during my college days. That would’ve been a perfect way to apply that knowledge and to be more of a veteran in the field of reviewing. Shoot, maybe I would’ve been hired as a film critic for a publication or start my own thing. Shame how I never had those ambitions even though I had knowledge in that subject (although nowhere near as much as I do now). I’m such an idiot for not doing so before 2017.

6: Not being open enough about my appreciation of international cinema or indie movies

My closest friends have known about this interest of mine and that’s great. Unfortunately, I talked about anime more often when I was a teenager and I rarely ever talked about this subject unless it was for one of my film classes or talking to one of the professors for our field trips to various exhibits, museums, our local film festival at school, or even the Chicago International Film Festival during my tenure as a student. Maybe if I talked about these types of movies instead of let’s say the indie music scene, then I might be respected more often and taken seriously. It would be fun to shame those detractors for thinking I was just some one trick pony by schooling them about Akira Kurosawa or namedropping random movies distributed by Film Movement, but I regretted not talking about the subject enough after having a bad experience made fun of for being an otaku.

5: I used to rely WAY too much on Rotten Tomatoes.

I’m not making this up. I was obsessed with that site years ago. It got so bad that I wouldn’t watch anything that got less than a 90% on Rotten Tomatoes. If I still had that logic today, then I would’ve never watched Perfect Blue, Birth of a Nation (2016), or Taste of Cherry to name a few. Back then, I thought that if I liked movies that got at least a 90%, then I would be taken seriously while also having the right to make fun of people who liked movies with lower scores. The latter didn’t happen and it was stupid in hindsight. Even one of my professors was shocked about this when I told him about that mindset. Being older and more mature after the fact, I realized how insane that mindset was given how biased critics can be as well as Rotten Tomatoes being bought out or have shares owned by major media companies with Universal owning 3/4ths of the site and Warner owning the remainder of it. To all you Metacritic fans, don’t get too cocky. CBS owns that aggregator. I have learned to form my own opinions instead of going to the tomato vine shrine of collected scores. There are movies that got high scores as well as “certified Fresh” ratings that I hate (some of which I reviewed on here) and there are movies with average scores that I actually really like. Sometimes, these scores make no sense to me.

4: Not making enough arguments and counter-arguments against bullies and jerks

Can’t you tell already how much bitterness I have or how I struggled with bullies back then? Sure, I’ve been bullied for being biracial, having atypical interests (especially not involving sports), and being socially awkward with my introverted personality, but this still bothers me to this day despite dealing with worse things. If I knew then what I know now about movies, animation, and documentaries, I would be very tempted to verbally destroy everyone who disrespected me. The problem was I struggled with not coming up with good insults or at the very least knowing about different forms of logic to win arguments. During my high school and college years, I would’ve relished in making someone feel inferior by bashing what they liked if I had the right arguments. Don’t even get me started about what kinds of arguments I would make against Disney fans who had a problem with me not liking those movies anymore. Too bad I was too meek most of the time and internalized a lot of anger. Especially during my youth, I had multiple cases of faculty not doing anything when I was wronged, so I was bullied into silence. I wish I would’ve been better at standing up to people for what I liked instead of just being quiet or “hating” something I liked to spite someone.

3: Not knowing enough about African cinema as I do now (even though I still wouldn’t call myself an expert)

Is anyone surprised by this reason? I mean, I’ve been reviewing a ton of African works this year and last year. I was so disappointed that I didn’t know about that continent’s cinema back then. If memory serves me correctly, the first African movie I saw would’ve been Inshallah Dimanche which is an Algerian movie (okay, Algerian/French, but that’s semantics) during my high school years when I tried to watch whatever Film Movement movies I could get my hands on with my Mom’s Netflix account at the time or at the library. Good thing I have my own Netflix account. Haha! In all seriousness, if I knew about African directors then, I would’ve made a case for Africa’s cinema to others and even become more proud of myself to try creating more things (more on that later) instead of just seeing actors that looked like they could’ve been my family on my Mom’s side. The fact that people don’t even know about African cinema out there is a shame. No, you can’t just rely too much on Neil Blomkapf with Chappie and District 9 just because he happens to be from South Africa. I’m just saying, people…

2: I thought people would’ve taken me more seriously if I was more open with this interest than other hobbies.

Sadly, I still think this way. One piece of evidence is that Iridium Eye is my most viewed blog ever, so that fact might play into that assumption. Before I even went to blogging in multiple fields, I still thought about this. If I talked about film theory, history, and production, people will see that I have intelligence and that I can apply it in great ways. Who knows? Maybe I would’ve made more money whenever I did film projects or even different projects like short films, documentaries, weddings, or even ads instead of just music videos (no offense to the bands I’ve worked with, of course). This medium is certainly powerful and people consider it storytelling instead of just reading books even though people should have an appreciation for both, but that’s a conversation for another day. I could see it now. People would say “Hey, he’s talented at video production and he’s exposed me to awesome movies I never heard of.” Sure, I thought that people need to stop being pimped out by Hollywood to see indie movies and international movies, but if I showed off these videography skills or at least write intelligent articles about film, then I would be more respected.

1: Not making my own film projects earlier

How awesome would it be to make my own movies in addition to critiquing them? I mean, I know how to film, edit, write, and direct, so I’m kicking myself for not doing so years ago. While it was fun working on music videos for bands from 4 countries so far, I think taking the next step would be to make my own film projects. This could be an ascension of my creative talent (or however much talent I have since I think I’m terrible at different things despite people complimenting me) to make something new like making my own stories in cinematic form. It could be a short film, doc, series, or maybe a film installation especially after researching the works of John Akomfrah. Who knows if and when I can use these skills in a constructive matter to direct, film, edit, and write something that I hope can be consiedered good.

Wow, I really do struggle with people pleasing.

Well, that’s my top 7 list for November. What are your thoughts on this? I know I didn’t have an exciting list for this month, but I hope I could spend time to be honest with all of you. Just remember to acknowledge each other’s humanity and to be united especially in these trying times.