Top 7 Concerns I Have As a Film Critic and As a Fan

Here’s a temporary break from my hiatus. I won’t be posting reviews this month, but I’m so used to posting one Top 7 list a month over the past couple of years. I don’t want to get too deep into why I’m on a hiatus from Iridium Eye, but I have to prioritize different things in my life. There have been times when I wondered how effective I was at this form of blogging or even trying to enjoy things. Since I have no pictures or videos in this post, it’s going to be one of THOSE kinds of Top 7 lists. Sorry that I couldn’t make it more vibrant or attention-grabbing like the previous ones I made whether they were positive, neutral, or negative.

I won’t bore you with a long intro since I’ve been guilty of that in some previous lists.

7: Sometimes I’ve been paranoid about what I post.

This one may surprise you given how strong my opinions can be with certain movies, series, or when I mention real-life implications, but I do feel this way. Not for every single review, but the ones where I may bring up unorthodox opinions. I’ve wondered if people have been making fun of me somewhere else online or offline whether I like something or not since I’ve felt like I was judged all the time for my hobbies even if that’s not the worst thing to happen to me. It gets tough when I’ve been bottling a lot of things inside and I feel like I need to bring those opinions out since I’ve been tortured into silence for a lot of my life. Blogging has helped in that regard.

6: I’ve wondered why some posts get more views than others especially when some of my favorite posts don’t get much attention.

I have my theories of why some reviews and Top 7 lists get more eyeballs which I’ve mentioned various reasons why. But there are times I get baffled why I don’t get anyone reading, liking, or commentating on certain posts. I wondered if it was because I watched something too obscure or maybe what I wrote was boring. There are certain reviews I could name (including one that got a 10/10 that no one paid attention to), but I don’t want to have a pity party with my portfolio. I do wonder why this was the case.

5: I hope I don’t repeat myself too much when it comes to times when I’m not trying to do so to prove a point.

You can probably guess moments or phrases where I do reiterate things across the board. When I do so, I do this on purpose especially when I feel strongly about a certain thing. I would feel like an idiot if I’m using certain jokes or observations and being a one-trick pony is something I don’t want to be. It could be something I might not be aware of, so I have to be careful as I go back to my previous posts.

4: There could be a disconnect between my readers and followers.

Not everyone is into intentional movies. Granted, if you’re one of those people who hates “reading your movies” when you watch something outside of English, then shame on you. Getting back to being serious here, I know what I watch isn’t for everyone. I totally get why a bunch of my anime reviews get a lot of attention since I follow a lot of anibloggers, but I believe not many people are interested in multiple documentaries or serious live-action films more often than not. Maybe they just can’t relate to it or maybe they want something more lighthearted and accessible.

3: I have moments where I think I’m worthless.

I’m open that I struggle with low self-esteem and I don’t shy away from it. Also, if anyone thinks I’m arrogant or self-righteous, then you clearly don’t know me. You all can miss me with that crap. If those accusations were actually true, then I’d be racking up way more views and positive comments for all my posts. I believe that what I write and what I am is useless. Even with all the moments where I get a bit educational with my fun facts or mention various historical things (mostly with my documentary reviews), I can’t help but feel that I’m a waste of space on the internet and in real life. It’s surprising why anyone would give me positive feedback or even want to collaborate with me for some reviews. I do appreciate the support if you’re genuine. It sucks that I have felt this way for most of my life.

2: I need to work harder than other bloggers.

I’m sure I mentioned something similar in one of my 2020 Top 7 lists, but this still applies. It has been embarrassing finding typos or having to update certain posts if something changed like distributors or timestamping certain posts when something happens. It’s a long story. I have to work twice, thrice, or four times as harder as other bloggers with my content. It can be making sure my writing is engaging, original enough, and making sure my opinions make sense to my reader regardless if they agree with me or not. There’s an obvious reason why I’m compelled to put in more work in what I do, but the fact that I have to trevail for more for even half the views of my peers is maddening. I’m still small potatoes, but I know I’ll never reach the heights of other bloggers.

1: I don’t belong even in these circles.

It doesn’t matter if it’s with anime fans, cinemaphiles, or the arthouse crowd. I. Don’t. Fit. In! This isn’t because of my content, but I feel so lost as people geek out about various subjects. I even feel uncomfortable around certain fans even if they may like some of the same things I do. It’s like I’m in between various universes that see me as some kind of outsider because I don’t wear my fandoms on my sleeve. I’m not sure if I ever mentioned this before, but I’m going to tell you some information you might find shocking. What if I told you that I had never been to a con in my life. DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNNNN! I can’t lie to save myself if I tried. Think about some of the stuff I’ve reviewed on here and let that sink in that I’ve never been to a fandom convention. It doesn’t matter if it’s anime, film, or other subjects I’ve been interested in. I get that there are creeps and obsessed people wherever, but I would feel like a fish out of water even if there are subjects I am interested in. Some people only care about what they like or dislike and never care about real-life issues which just disgusts me. Yes, there’s a time for escapism, but someone like me can’t afford to ignore what’s going on. God, I feel like I’m a pariah just because of what I like or dislike with others.

Anyways, I had to get this off my chest. We’ll see how long my hiatus on reviewing will last…

5 comments

  1. “It doesn’t matter if it’s with anime fans, cinemaphiles, or the arthouse crowd. I. Don’t. Fit. In!”

    In case it helps, I’ve never fit in with any group I’ve ever been near. It used to bother me. I would like to say “and then something amazing happened,” but nah. I realized I enjoyed myself more when I just did my own thing.

    I think being part of a group is overrated. At least, it is for my personality.

    “What if I told you that I had never been to a con in my life. ”

    I actually bought tickets to one once, but I couldn’t force myself to go. I think I would like to! But I don’t think it’s going to happen.

    Here’s something I might have learned. There are people who are going to dislike me, regardless of what I like, don’t like, do, or don’t do. So, I might as well do what I think is best.

    Unless they have a large-caliber sidearm. Then I might have to take some kind of extraordinary action. Otherwise, I’ll just like what I want and talk about it.

    Just go your own way.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s interesting to know how you felt like you never fit in. As I get older, I don’t care about it as much, but it did bother me with other interests I have or had. I don’t want to be a cookie-cutter blogger with what I do and I’m not even trying to chase trends. It’s quite counter-productive given the content of Iridium Eye.

      Is that so with getting a ticket to a con? I get what you mean about not wanting to go. If I was in my teens or early 20s again, that might have been a different story, but I have heard horror stories of some cons and I would feel out of place even if I’m not cosplaying or anything like that.

      It’s something I’ve been wondering about over the past couple of years in not caring what others think, but that has been rough especially when I bring up a contrary opinion. There was one time I thought I was being “concern trolled” for a certain Top 7 list I made last year only to find that this person did like one thing I was talking about even if he didn’t say so at first (long story). I don’t want to feel like I’m being shamed into silence even on the net, so there’s a reason why I talk the way I do with certain issues or aspects even when I’m being positive.

      Thank you so much for the comment.

      Like

      • In direct reference to number 1, I feel the same. I mean, I love anime and gaming, but I love sitcoms like Fraser, Grace and Frankie, and Golden Girls too. I’ll listen to music from the 30’s and 40’s even though I was born in 1989….

        I’ve been to anime cons, they’re not all that they’re cracked up to be. When I was a teenager, I thought they were the best thing on the planet. As an adult, I’ll say this, we’re ignored. There aren’t a lot of panels geared for adults at anime conventions… I don’t mean the 18+ immaturity fests where people talk about Hentai… I mean, there are so few anime con panels geared towards thoughtful and insightful introspection about anime as a medium. I’m in my 30’s now though, so for me fandom takes on a different path for us.

        As as for escapism, this is that one that lights a fire under my behind hard, because it’s true. Look as fans of media outside of the scope of our native tongue, we have a unique perspective that we can use to discuss real world problems… media is a tool and a lens for that… and the more media you watch that’s popularized in another culture, the more you as the viewer can get a small taste of your similarities and differences with that culture… it’s a powerful thing, a human thing…

        The reason the core of us even made The Demented Ferrets is exactly as you say. We’re adults now, with responsibilities, and we don’t fit in with the younger crowd… and to a point we don’t want to. I’m happy I’m not in my 20’s anymore. We made it because others, like you, feel the same way we do… we’re adults, we want to be the adults we are… live our lives, do the daily grind, and feel like we’re progressing into the next phases of our lives as 30-somethings should. I met Kresh through an mmorpg nearly 20 years ago, and Ruka through sailor moon fan fiction 10 years ago… lifelong friends can be made and kept through these wonderful platforms and media.

        The takeaway from all 7 points reduces down to this: there is nothing wrong with you… you’re an adult, you’re acting and conducting yourself as one. You’re doing exactly what you SHOULD do. The media people like ourselves surround ourselves with such as anime, gaming, cartoons, and many other forms of media aren’t the sort to respect the overall gravitas and adult life. It can be stifling when it doesn’t. We want to escape too, we want to enjoy these things, and we do… but at the end of the day, we want more than escapism. We want to lead fulfilling lives beyond that escape.

        This juxtaposition of the media and fandoms we enjoy, and our ethos is perfectly described in this quote:

        “I think that inside every adult is the heart of a child. We just gradually convince ourselves that we have to act more like adults.”
        — Shigeru Miyamoto

        It’s just that. We know we have to act like it, someone has to act like it. People like you and I know and believe deeply we need to act like it… and in a world full of trouble, drama, mass shootings on the weekly(at least here in the USA) being an adult and standing up for what it right really sucks…

        Your posts hold value, and through blog you are a sounding board and an asset to wider society. We need more people like you out there, not less. The proof is in the pudding, at least on my end. I would never have gone on that (A)Sexual rant of mine about inclusive response and the need to discuss the lifestyle had it not been for your review first.

        And you can be sure that this post lit a fire under my butt too, because these things NEED to be said… and you did exactly that.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Sorry for the delayed response to your comment, but I thought it would be nice to respond to what you said in addition to that open letter involving this post. No need to feel bad for those other interests. I mean, I also have other interests like Caribbean cricket, indie BritWres, fiction, and other things.

        That’s good to know about anime cons being overrated. They would’ve looked so fun in my teenage years, but maybe they aren’t as what they seem. Yeah, I can see why it wouldn’t cater to adults unless if it’s hentai which isn’t my thing anyway. I wish there would be more thoughtful conversations and panels instead of just meet-and-greets, cosplaying, or exclusive merch. Also, I haven’t been to other fandom-related cons in my life either (comics, games, movies, etc.).

        Definitely and it’s something I’ve noticed as well. I even learn about other cultures by watching other narrative films or animated works.

        Sure thing and I respect you all for those motives to make your blog. That’s cool how you knew each other for so long in those ways.

        Thank you and there were times when I wondered if anything was wrong with me. I do my best to be an adult even if I’m talking about something that isn’t R or PG-13 rated. It does annoy me when some bloggers, vloggers, and podcasters just deny adulting or real-life unfortunate implications. Sometimes it feels like I’m the only one who cares about major issues or history.

        That is a fascinating quote from Shigeru Miyamoto. Thank you.

        I hear you right there and standing up for what’s right is definitely not easy and I’ve been bullied or shamed offline and online before.

        Thank you and I do appreciate that. It’s awesome that you really liked my (A)sexual review, watched that documentary, and made that necessary rant especially with the infamous Pride Parade scene because that conversation needed to be had. However, you had even more gravitas on that topic and I’m glad to read your insights on the subject matter.

        This has been inspiring and empowering in a way. Thank you for your feedback and your response post.

        Liked by 1 person

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